Children’s behaviour is the topic that will never become boring! Managing your own behaviour is an important part of growing up and learning that starts when we are children and continues to develop even in our grown up life. There is not one day in my work that I don’t hear from parents about their struggles with supporting their child’s behaviour. We often feel embarrassed when our little sweetie decides to publicly and explicitly show their unhappiness. Young children’s behaviour is often unpredictable, may feel unreasonable, unbelievably and utterly illogical (to us, parents) and intense. A few years ago one of the parents at my nursery school gifted me a book titled ‘The reasons my kid is crying’ by Greg Pembroke, who documented, in photographs with small captions received from hundreds of parents from around the world, the many ‘logical’ reasons why small children cry. This became a very entertaining book for my, at that time, 6 year old son and to this day he enjoys going back to that book to entertain himself. The one thing I know is that, when you are in a situation like this with your child, it is definitely not entertaining! Magic wands, which we could simply wave and turn our screaming, kicking, biting child into a composed and happy one from a cover of a Baby magazine, do not exist! There is no one recipe for success that we could all use and the reason for it is simple... Every child is different and UNIQUE. Their understanding, attention, communication skills and character are all different. However, you can successfully support and help your child manage their own behaviour by trying to understand your child, and how they make sense of the world when as they are growing up: what motivates them, how they understand the world around them, and their own responses to the feelings they have. This is the most important starting point that will help you support your child. Below I compiled some useful tips, which I hope you will find helpful when thinking of best ways to supporting your child through the stormy moments of their early years life. Understand your child and the root of the behaviour Every behaviour has its root somewhere. When you feel upset, something must have happened that made you feel this way. You can pin-point what it was and manage your feelings and responses accordingly. Children are not unreasonable, they feel the same emotions as grown ups do, but they don’t yet have the same understanding and ability to cope with the various triggers that affect their behaviour. The one thing to always remember is that your child’s behaviour is communication. Through they behaviour they are trying to tell you something important, and to support your child you need to determine what is making them feel that way. There may be many triggers to a child’s behaviour and it is important that you spend time to establish exactly what the problem could be. Some triggers may be: Feeling Tired Feeling Hungry Feeling Nervous or Insecure Feeling Upset Feeling Unwell Coping with change Trying to understand the world Wanting something that they cannot get Wanting to spend time with you It is useful to always think about what happened just before your child's behaviour showing, what happened throughout the behaviour, and what was the consequence. Some behaviours are learning behaviours You may notice that your child is continuously throwing things, emptying containers, putting things into cupboards, wrapping things, joining and disconnect them. Be careful not to treat these behaviours as negative, as your child is simply using schematic play to learn about the world around them and trying to figure out how things work. Here are the types of schematic play that you are most likely to observe with your child: These types of schematic play may, however, cause some problems. For example, when your child is throwing everything that they can possibly find across the room, making it unsafe for them and others. In such situations try to redirect them and offer opportunities of engaging in such play in safer way. For example, throwing balls into a bucket outside, or using pasta and sand in water tray, to allow your child to have fun filling and emptying containers instead of toy boxes! Remember to set clear rules and remind your child of rules of play. Set clear boundaries and consequences Children need boundaries. They are necessary to support them to become respectful and confident adults. Limits provide children with a "safety blanket" and help them feel secure and develop self-discipline. Boundaries are also a necessary step to ensure your child's safety. You, as a parent, know what is good for them or what is not and this cannot be negotiated. However necessary your rules and boundaries are, children often push and fight against them, and will test limits. This behaviour is absolutely normal and, in fact, necessary for healthy development. Limits help children feel safe, but young people also need freedom to try things out, make mistakes and develop their independence. Be consistent Stick to the boundaries and expectations you have set for your child. It is important to regularly revisit and talk about them with your child, teaching them why we have these rules in place - i.e. why can't they jump on the stairs. Involve your child in thinking of why certain things they want cannot happen, and what consequences they would have. Try to always notice whenever your child follows the boundaries and rules set. Let them know how important it is to you, and that you are very happy to see them do that. Children love to feel that they have done something good, that they made someone feel proud. Offer your child lots of praise for following the rules, which will motivate them to behave in this way in the future. Use positive language Always focus on what you would like your child to do, rather on what they should not do. For example, you can say 'walk' instead of 'don't run'. Try to use positive language and refrain from using 'no' and 'don't' . Teach your child about emotions for successful emotional regulation Frequently speak to your child about emotions You may like to use books teaching about emotions and feelings. Role play by making faces with your child in the mirror and naming the emotions that they show. This will be a fun and playful way of demonstrating different emotions to your child. Depending on your child's age, start with a few simple emotions such as happy, sad, excited, angry, and introduce more complex feelings and emotions as your child grows. Discuss with your child regularly how they are feeling and what makes them feel in that particular way. Draw your child's attention on how characters in books might be feeling, how their friends are feeling. Young children are pretty much focused on themselves as such discussions help to encourage empathy. Talking about your own feelings, what caused them and how you react/behave can be a very powerful, as the little ones are always observing us, and learning by example. Teach them that their feelings are normal Avoid labelling some feelings as negative. Even emotions that don't feel good are necessary. Our emotions are a physiological way of our body showing us how certain situations make us feel. Instead you can describe feelings as comfortable and enjoyable and uncomfortable and unenjoyable. Teach coping strategies once your child understands how they are feeling Help your child to find ways of coping with their emotions, and together discuss what they could do when they feel a certain emotion; i.e. "when I am angry I can use my pillow to punch but it is not ok to behave unkindly towards others just because I feel angry". Teach ways to resolve conflict peacefully. Help your child to problem solve and think of peaceful ways of resolving a conflict. Here is a fun song to sing together: Be a positive role-model- use positive language Always remember that your child looks up to you and learns from you. Be mindful of using the same strategies and techniques for yourself that you ask your child to observe!
